No Vlog this week and this is the reason why....

Hello,

There was no vlog last week and again this week.....and I wanted to share with you why.

Exactly two weeks ago, I found out my brother died. I knew the time was coming but it still hit hard. We actually lost him years ago to drugs and alcohol. The last time I saw him, he wasn't really there anymore. The boy I grew up with was struggling so much that I knew it could be the last time I saw him and it was. It was a year and a half ago.

Even though my brother struggled, was homeless at many points and seemed to be "gone" mentally, I always made sure to treat him with respect and tell him I loved him.

Even though I was expecting his death, it still hit hard. It brought up all of the grief from losing my parents. I felt their loss also. They always worried so much about my brother and now he joined them in the Spirit world.

Even for someone who believes in the after-life, I had to follow my feelings of grief. I cried. I reflected. I cried some more. And, I'm sure I'll cry at his service this weekend.

I'm also going through the steps of planning everything. It is keeping me busy for now. I have appreciated all those who have reached out to express their sympathy and to share the stories of my brother from before the disease took over his life. He had a good heart. He was a good guy who would help anyone.

I knew that I needed to try to feel a different connection with him. For me, death does not mean the end of a relationship. It means the relationship has now changed. I know he is at peace (but that doesn't mean I didn't cry!) and he is with my parents. I know his view is different now and he understands his mistakes. His soul can return someday to learn his lessons again.

I believe that grief is just love in disguise. It's because I loved that I feel grief. After moving through my grief, I knew that it was time to try to feel my brother's energy because I believe he is still here- I just can't see him with my physical eyes.

I'm trying to feel my brother's sense of humor and then it happened. I was walking through the woods. I went to bend down under a tree while I thought- "I wonder if I'll be able to feel my brother or be able to get a sign like my dimes from my dad". Then, instantly, a pile of snow fell from the tree above me and hit me right on the left side of my head. .... and, I knew my brother had thrown a snowball at me and I could hear him laughing. He was still around and still acting like when we were kids.

The very next day, I found two pennies. Pennies are a sign from my Mom and I felt that she was nearby supporting me. I know she is appreciative that I am remembering my brother for who he was and not the person he turned into after the disease.

Next year will be 25 years sober for myself. I know that if I hadn't made that choice all those years ago, what happened to my brother could have been me. (the disease took him at the age of 59)The disease could have taken me also. I am grateful that I made that choice all those years ago.

I know what it is like to struggle and to have negative thoughts rule my life. That's why I do the work I do to help others. That's why I teach Reiki to others- because it is a tool that helps with your physical and mental energy and reconnects you to your soul.

As I reflect on what I would want my brother to know about leading a more spiritual life, I'll be announcing an upcoming opportunity soon. All of the work I do helps guide people to understand life in a different way- opening up new space within them to be able to make the changes they want to make.

As I embrace my grief, it also fuels me in my work. I know through deep pain is where some of my answers are.

That's why there is no vlog last week or this week. I'm grieving. I'm embracing the yuckiness instead of shoving it down somewhere deep within myself. I want it to show itself and I want to experience it in a way where it both hurts and I feel the love.

The last words my brother ever said to me as I walked out of his hospital room was, "Can I have a hug?" Yes, my brother, you may have a hug. He remembered that I loved him no matter what. Even when he was dirty, with no shirt on, living on the streets, I would always hug him when we said goodbye. That last hug was in June of 2022. And, I knew that it might be the last time I saw him.

I know that he is now supporting me in ways that are invisible. I know that he is near and that he will show his sense of humor more and more.

May you find peace today within you and always.

~In Love, Light and Spirit,

Monica